They reach young adulthood, and suddenly they’re blaming you for everything that’s going wrong in their lives. Because how could it not be your fault? Every mistake you’ve made as a parent has made their life the steaming ruin that it is. You’re what’s wrong with the world. You’re the reason they can’t wait to move out! If you’re mentally rehearsing a painful conversation or recent outburst, you’re probably wondering exactly how to handle disrespectful grown children. And you wouldn’t be alone. We should get t-shirts. But for now, let’s focus on what to do when grown children disrespect you.
What Causes a Child to Be Disrespectful?
You’re not the only one asking, “Why is my grown daughter so mean to me?” or “Why is my grown son such a manipulative jerk?” And you wouldn’t be the first parent to blame yourself. That said, the following reasons may help explain some of their behavior:
They see their more successful peers as proof your parenting held them back. They don’t want to hold themselves to account because it’s easier to blame you. They’ve yet to learn how to own their challenges and step up.
They’re still figuring things out, in other words. Whether or not they do is on them.
Disrespectful Young Adults
How many of the following behaviors sound familiar? Even parents who’ve “done everything right” have disrespectful adult children. You love your kids, even when they’re behaving like overgrown toddlers. But that doesn’t mean you have to live with them or protect them from the real world.
What Does It Mean When a Grown Child Disrespects Parents?
Adult children’s disrespect could be rooted in several fertile, proverbial soils. Common culprits include:
Spoiled Past: Spoiled Kids have more difficulty adjusting to the “real world.” Helping them see this is tough but often effective. Mental Health Issue: Poor behavior is often a symptom of a mental health issue. A professional assessment could make a world of difference. Pathological Self-Centeredness: Is the onerous child pathologically self-centered? Unfortunately, it could be as simple as that, and the only path to familial peace is personal growth. Immaturity: Humans aren’t a monolith; we all develop on different timelines. The disruptive adult child in question may need a few more years to get their act together.
Discussing disrespectful behavior with an adult child can be difficult, but it’s also an excellent opportunity to identify and heal generational wounds. Remember that people who feel great act well, and vice versa. So if your child is acting-out, it may be a cry for help. Vulnerability almost always serves both parties in these situations, and those brave enough to confront the issue head-on usually enjoy a significant amount of positive growth in return.
13 of the Best Ways to Deal with a Disrespectful Grown Child
Dealing with adult children requires as much tough love as dealing with younger ones. It just looks a bit different if the child in question is old enough to get a job, move out, and pay their own bills. The following tips will help you put your relationship in perspective.
1. Stop trying to be your kid’s BFF or savior.
What kids expect from their best friends is different from what they expect from their parents. And while it’s natural to want to save your kids from every disaster they seem determined to dive into, it’s not your job to save your grown-up children from themselves. You can’t be the eternal buffer between them and the real world. You’ve taught them all you can up to this point. But you can’t help thinking, “I owe them a better foundation for living in the real world. I haven’t done enough.” The problem? It will never feel like you’ve done enough. Every time your adult kid gets ready to do something stupid, you’ll want to stop them and steer them in a better direction. But sometimes you have to let them find out what happens when they do what they want.
2. Notice disrespect and call it what it is.
When your adult kid is criticizing you, complaining about something, or constantly pestering or arguing with you, ask yourself what you would do if anyone but your own kid treated you that way. It’s no surprise that your adult kid wants to be independent. They want to be allowed to do what they want, even if what they’re doing is self-destructive or harmful to others. And if they can use your parental mistakes against you to get what they want, they will. None of this means you don’t have a right to call them out on their disrespectful behavior and spell out the consequences for it.
3. Clarify the real-world consequences of your kid’s behavior.
Here’s where you’ll make it clear what consequences your adult kid will face if they persist with their disrespectful behavior toward you. Depending on your kid’s level of independence, those consequences might look like the following: They’ll test you, of course, to see if you’ll keep your word. And if you do, they’ll use everything they’ve got to punish you for it. But their survival and well-being depend on what they learn from this experience.
4. Get on the same page with your partner.
Make sure you and your co-parent are on the same page regarding how to react to your adult kid’s disrespectful behavior. Have each other’s backs when the kid tries to manipulate you into fighting each other. Share notes. Get the real facts about what happened and who said what. Try confronting your kid without the united front, and they’ll probably say something like, “Well, Dad said…. “ or “Well, according to Mom….” Better to know ahead of time whether those statements are true or not.
5. Be respectful when correcting your child.
You want a relationship based on mutual respect, but your adult kid just isn’t mature enough for that, yet. Still, when you come together to talk about something, you’re far more likely to reach them if your language and tone are calm and respectful. Because even if they’re prone to drama and quick to respond with emotional outbursts, they want to be treated with respect. They want you to try to understand where they’re coming from. Young adults typically have a harder time expressing their thoughts without becoming emotional. You remember how that was, right? It takes years of conscious effort to learn to balance those emotions with wisdom. And as condescending as they can be in their approach to you, you won’t get far with them if you demand respect without showing them what that looks like.
6. Set realistic expectations — for them and for yourself.
When you undertake the challenge of teaching your grown-up child how to treat you and others with respect, it’s best to approach it as you would any worthy goal. If your expectations — of yourself or of your child — aren’t based on reality, all your effort will end in either disappointment or complacency. You’ll either go into it with low standards and rest on your laurels while your kid continues to struggle with basic adulting. Or you’ll go into it with unrealistically high standards and exhaust yourself working toward a goal you can never reach. Both extremes lead to failure and damaged relationships. Know what you expect, and make sure those expectations are realistic, given your circumstances. Then make those expectations clear to your adult child.
7. Set clear boundaries, and expect your kid to honor them.
Once you’ve communicated your expectations to your grown-up child, make sure they have a clear understanding of your boundaries. Make it clear to them that you respect their boundaries, too. If you’ve disregarded their boundaries in the past, they need to hear you apologize for that. Neither do they have a right to disrespect you in retaliation for past failures. Offer them a sincere apology for your past mistakes in this area — once. Then let it go. And expect them to do the same. No more dwelling on the past. Make it clear that, from then on, both of you will be held accountable for failing to show each other due respect and consideration.
8. Empathize without enabling.
If you’ve been shaming yourself into letting your grown-ass adult son or daughter get away with their disrespectful behavior, stop it. This isn’t about karma. You’re still the parent. And no one promised you’d be a perfect one. This doesn’t enter the conversation nearly enough, but most of us start parenting before our brains even have adulting figured out. So, of course, you’ll make mistakes. While you’re trying to empathize with your kids, don’t forget to show yourself some love. Parenting is a classic sink-or-swim scenario. Both the parents and the kids are flailing about, convinced they’re going to drown, until they finally learn how to tread water. It would be funny if there wasn’t so much screaming.
9. Focus on the present — not on past mistakes and regrets.
Focus on what’s going on between you and your adult child in the present. This is not the time to beat yourself up for ruining your kid, when you did everything you thought you were supposed to do — based on what you knew. You’ve learned since then, and you know you could have done better if you’d started out with better information. Focus on how you’re treating each other now. Focus on what they’re trying to tell you with their words, their body language, and their actions. Your adult kid still needs you, and they need you to be fully present for them. How else will they learn to be fully present for others if not from you? You can’t fix the past or the future. The present is all you’ve got.
10. Schedule discussions on hot-button topics.
If you know you need to talk to your grown-up child about a sensitive topic, schedule a time to discuss it privately. Chances are, they’re already struggling to feel that they matter to you. You’ve got other claims on your time, but if you add a private conversation with them to your schedule, be prepared to fight whatever might tempt you to cancel. Granted, your kid might try to bow out, too. So, don’t let anything short of a life-threatening emergency get in the way of a conversation that needs to happen.
11. Consider meeting with a family therapist.
There’s no shame in enlisting the help of a professional family therapist to help you and your adult children work out your issues. Let them see that you’re willing to change your schedule and maybe give up something you enjoy — just so you can both learn how to relate to each other. Because you love them. And, honestly, who doesn’t need a good therapist? A family therapist is trained to look for red flags in your family dynamic as well as to recognize the good things you have going for you. It’s worth your time to see what a professional outsider can see that you haven’t.
12. Don’t Mix Alcohol and Conversations
Think about it: most giant family blow-ups happen over drinks. People fall prey to the intoxicating nature of alcohol, lips loosen, and propriety flies out the window. Unfortunately, most people let negative feelings and emotions fester. When stirred with cocktails, the result is often explosive. So if you need and want to have a conversation with your child about their behavior and your relationship, schedule it for when you’re both sober and ready to have a deep talk.
13. Work on Yourself
We’re not suggesting that your child’s behavior is your fault. We are saying that every human walking the face of the planet has unacknowledged and unaddressed shortcomings — and sometimes, they’re part of the overarching interpersonal challenges. If you’ve yet to stare down your shadow self, it may be time. Doing that type of self-development work could change your perspective and help you see the situation in a new, more manageable light. What Is The Difference Between Personality And Character? How To Be A Nicer Person In 14 Steps 12 Of The Most Important Values To Live By
How to Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
Ungrateful adult children won’t change overnight into delightful, selfless human beings. But they won’t grow at all if their parents enable their behavior by letting them do what they want — without regard or respect for anyone else. Why would they be grateful if getting what they want all the time is just what they expect? Help them grow by setting some clear and reasonable rules. Communicate those rules and the consequences for breaking them. Those rules might look like the following: If they’re so sure their life would be better without your rules, they can test that theory on their own by moving out.
How Do I Let Go of My Grown Child?
You’ve reached a crossroads with your grown child. How do you deal with a disrespectful grown son who insists on taking advantage of you and manipulating you every chance he gets? Or what do you do with an adult daughter who treats you like garbage? It’s time to ask, “How do you let go of a child who hates you?” Where to begin?
Sit down and talk to them about their options. Let them know what you’re willing and not willing to do for them. Give them a deadline for moving out and living like an adult.
Your grown child needs to know they won’t always have someone to take care of them. Their dependence on you has been holding them back. Withdraw the net. How will you deal with your disrespectful grown child? Now that you know more about dealing with disrespectful adult children, what will you do differently the next time you have a sit-down with your kid? Focus on one of the tips in this article and write about how you can implement it today and throughout the week. Post helpful reminders where you’ll see them every day. If you’re struggling with low self-esteem as a parent — maybe because your grown-up child’s behavior has conditioned you into thinking you deserve their abusive behavior — focus on building that up. Chances are, your adult kid needs to work on that, too.
